I am ANGRY!!…..and I need not be

22 May

I woke up this morning feeling angry. I walked to the bus stop feeling angry. Got on the crowded bus angry.

I was very angry at China this morning.

Angry at the people because I have to carefully watch where I step as I walk for fear that I will step in human waste and green, bloody phlegm among other things. Angry because even though you patiently wait for the bus and it stops right in front of you, someone will come and shove you and your kid out of the way so they can go in first. Nevermind that the bus is so packed people are almost hanging out of the windows and coming in through the back doors.

Mostly, I was angry because as close as we are to getting out of here, the one obstacle standing in our way is so threatning, it makes me feel helpless. I am angry that no matter what I do or say, the visa process is still so annoyingly hard. I am angry at the prospect of staying here another year…well, staying in Chongqing. Although I have many choices in cities, at this late stage in the game, it may be too difficult for me to secure a teaching position in a desirable international school.

I realize the visa process is just that…a process. For weeks now I have been trying in my own strength to guide it. I became angry when I realized I only briefly sent up a prayer when I woke up this morning. I didn’t take the time to talk to God properly. Why? Because I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. So, instead of starting the day on a positive note, I started on a negative. I wasn’t a good example for my son as we walked on those dirty, slippery and crowded sidewalks. Words that shot out of my mouth, daggers that cut down the local people staring at us open-mouthed and gestures showing them I could be just as ignorant….were not a positive learning experience for my son. I was not a picture of Christianity.

Therefore, I have decided to re-examine myself. I have decided, to let go and let God when it comes to the visa process. I have decided to have more than one word with my Father when He allows me to open my eyes and see another day. I have decided to repent for my unfounded anger. I was angry…and I need not be.

4 Responses to “I am ANGRY!!…..and I need not be”

  1. Jocelyn - Speaking of China May 22, 2014 at 6:15 am #

    Hey Esther, I totally feel you. I’ve been there, waiting far longer than I expected for a visa and it really sucks. Especially when it means plans must be put aside.

    Know that you’re not alone (boy, you should hear and see me on my worst days and then maybe you won’t feel so bad!). If you ever need to get away from Chongqing, you always have friends in Hangzhou to visit! 🙂

    • celestereille May 23, 2014 at 4:20 am #

      Thanks for the invite love…if I were going to be here long enough I would drop by. I will be in HZ for a few days next week, but not sure if time will permit us meeting. Trying to schedule dinner with Jo Bai and the other girls on the 30th…if you are free you can join us :-D!!!

      • Jocelyn - Speaking of China May 24, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

        Actually, I’ll be in HZ then so I could make it. Sounds like fun! Can you facebook or e-mail me (jocelyn (at) speakingofchina.com) the details?

  2. Ray H May 30, 2014 at 8:04 am #

    Hang in there,

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